I’m sure many people have heard of the “talking stick”, but have you heard about the “listening chair?”
All children with siblings get into disagreements at one time or another. Sometimes these disagreements can turn into major arguments or actual hitting, scratching, biting or kicking brawls. Parents soon find themselves in the middle of the action and become mediators. This is a very common problem for parents and then a decision has to be made. Many things have to be determined such as who started the disagreement, who had what first and finally, what is the fair thing to do to end the problem making everyone involved happy. This is not an easy task to determine and solve. Inevitably one child or the other feels like the parent is favoring “the other guy” and rifts develop. Sometimes these rifts can last for long periods of time and cause hard feelings between siblings. If you are not in the room when the fracas starts, it is often difficult to determine who is actually at fault. So what are parents to do?
When the children are very young I have used techniques such as diverting their attention to something else of interest or else actually reminding them to “use their words” to express their dissatisfaction rather than hitting. I put myself physically between the unhappy children and act as a mediator. However, once the children get older and are in grammar school, I found the “listening chair” to be a wonderful tool. It teaches children how to solve their problems through discussion rather than hitting, screaming and punching.
It works like this. Have the children involved in the disagreement go into a room and set up a couple of chairs, facing each other, with each child sitting in one of the chairs. At that point tell the children that you were not in the room when their problem started and you do not know who is at fault. Then instruct them to talk to each other until they resolve the problem together. The rule is no one is allowed to leave the chair they are sitting in until an agreement has been reached. Then step aside, out of the room, but to an area where you can see them and hear the discussion. I find this works very well. The first time I tried it my children were shocked and amazed. I had refused to be placed into the middle of their fight. It was their disagreement, not mine. At first there was complete silence. However, before too long they started to talk. In the beginning of the conversation they were quite angry, but soon they calmed down and really began to discuss the issue, what happened, why they were mad and how they could resolve it. Once they reached a solution I would go back into the room, have them shake hands, and then they could go back to playing.
This taught my children many very important life skills. They learned how to listen, how to be respectful of each other and how to solve problems through discussions and communication. The “listening chair” is a priceless, lifelong lesson.